Ta-Da!

Recently, my Xbox 360, Sir Scrimshaw gave up a year-long battle with red ring. So it goes. No amount of towels or thread counts could resurrect him this time. All of Linens N' Things employees and all of their stockmen couldn't put my 360 back together again. I requested EVAC from the good people at 1-800-4MYXBOX, but with an expired warranty and no current red ring problem, ordering a cardboard coffin would cost $100. If only there was an affordable alternative. So, I gave him a proper burial and then decided to get a newer 360 that wasn't as pre-disposed to manufacturing flaws as the late Scrimshaw was. I think I should also mention that I put off reading his last rites for about three months. I simply lived with his rotting corpse and was only motivated to find a solution recently when a certain something started approaching over the distant horizon.

I bought a used Arcade system from GameStop for $170. After "Jumping In©" and finding the perfect scars and facial hair for my avatar, who sort of resembles a Rapturian version of Count Count, I was back to shooting swastikas and having restraining orders issued against me. That was until the next day. . . I tried to open the disc tray. I tried again. " The third time's a charm, right?" "WROoOoOoNG," the infernal beast's inner trinketry whispered, or at least the cooling fans made a noise that sounded similar to that. God dammit... So it goes again.

Constipated 360 in-tow, I headed off to GameStop and explained to the manager that in less than 12 hours after buying it, the disc tray was jammed. I suggested an exorcism, a choo-choo train of oil, etc. We settled on plugging it in and doing a physical. The manager employed the same strategy that I had previously and went about pressing the eject button repeatedly. The tray made lethargic attempts to go forward and backward, but didn't get far before stopping completely. This fruitless poking and prodding went on for another minute in complete silence. Finally, the tray went all of the way into the console and also made a full journey back. The laconic manager kept poking without any emotion, watching the tray poke out of the machine and go back in, possibly fantasizing about playing whac-a-tray.

All of a sudden, right when the tray was making another trip out of the innards of the 360, it had a copy of Halo 3 sitting in it. The manager and I both looked at each other in disbelief, making sure the other had also born witness to this magic trick. Once this was confirmed we both lost it. While he told his employees exactly what he just saw, I stood there looking at the console wondering how that was possible. Maybe it wasn't an Arcade system. It could have been a prototype of a new SKU that accidentally got released, the Xbox 360 Shark. What other stolen treasures lay inside it's metallic stomach? Maybe the previous owner had it modded with an improbability drive. Maybe it was separated from its young, mistook me for its baby and gave me an offering of regurgitated gamefood. Then the cold, hard reality set in that I was one in a long history of owners who owned this evil machine, which had a healthy appetite for gobbling up physical media.

I thought about returning it, but after thinking about him being the David Blaine of GameStop that night, I reconsidered. . . plus it came with a one year warranty. . . plus I used it as an excuse to get a new copy of Fallout 3 to replace my original one, which was damaged in an unrelated case. Sure I got angry, sure I scolded him, however, I couldn't stay mad at him after that. I suppose it was comparable to your cute, boxy, bone white puppy vomiting or shitting out a porcelain Precious Moments figurine that fell from the china cabinet. He could even have a bright future in the Console Carnival industry. If Microsoft customer support has taught me anything it's that there's money to be made off of even the most defective litter of God's children.
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A Hiatus Happened, I Guess

Well it’s been awhile hasn’t it? There is a little institution known as “Generic College” that has things called “Finals” which needed to be attended to. After that, there was another institution called “It’s the holiday time”, during which everyone consumes exorbitant amounts of something called “Food” until they fall unconscious. I personally had cookies for days. These circumstances didn’t lend themselves well to sitting down and writing about games though unfortunately, for me or my esteemed colleagues. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t playing them though. Oh no, you would be wrong if you ever assumed that I wasn’t playing. Dead wrong. Over the last few months, there was a ridiculous flood of games I needed to purchase, putting me in absolute poverty. It’s all good though, I enjoyed myself immensely. After the new releases slowed, I started to purchase older games I should have played years ago, but didn’t in addition to the new ones. I was too distracted to write anything. I left nary a note when going out to pick up milk and eggs and missed several doctors appointments because I failed to mark them on the calendar. Anyway, I lost count at around 18 or so different games (I believe the next number is 19) I’ve been juggling around or finished. Here are some thoughts:


Rock Band 2 (Xbox360): Like Rock Band 1! I transferred my songs from the first game to the second and removed “Train Kept a Rollin’” because it incites within in me a hatred that burns hot as brimstone in my belly. When the Roy Orbison Track Pack was released, I immediately purchased “In Dreams” and pretended I was Dean Stockwell in Blue Velvet.

Dead Space (Xbox360): Made me jumpy and gave me anxiety. Also, rivals Bioshock in the number of filthy bathrooms they chose to include.

Fallout 3 (Xbox360): I started to enjoy it at approximately the same time I was able to actually kill things. That being said, I enjoyed this game so much, I often forgot to blink for extended periods of time. Once I did, it hurt a lot.

Fable 2 (Xbox360): My female hero turned out to be gargantuan and manly, so after I finished the main storyline, I reduced her toughness to nothing so she had a normal figure and could no longer be described as “burly”. Then in the Knothole Island add-on I got my ass kicked by beetles.

Gears of War 2 (Xbox360): “Ooohhh the second game is going to be soooo emotional! We’ve got a new writer! The game is going to be so BADASS! So badass in fact, we’ve incorporated tears that can KILL A MAN to better fit the emotional badassery that going on up in n’yah.”

Left 4 Dead (Xbox360): More like Left ME 4 Dead, specifically! YOU DICKS, COME BACK!

Mirrors Edge (Xbox360): Run run run fall die run run run jump grab hoist run run slide get shot to death run run run run jump slide run run jump hoist kick run wait in an elevator.

Prince of Persia (Xbox360) : The witty repartee and sexual tension between the Prince and Elika just make me wish I were playing a sim game where I can force them to kiss instead of talking about her dead civilization. And I’m pretty sure whoever thought up the combat system should die.

A Kingdom For Keflings (XBLA): And WHAT a kingdom!

Meteos Wars (XBLA): On the receiving end of substantially more middle fingers and thumb bitings than any other game I’ve played on account of the computer player is a filthy whore.

Sam and Max Season 1 (Wii): Hooray! A reason to use my Wii!

World Of Goo (Wiiware): I got this game for free. I admittedly haven’t played it that much, but I like what I’m seeing. … Why even include this short review? Because I got it for FREE and also appreciate independent developers blah blah blah.


Shadow of the Colossus (PS2): It was about that time. I didn’t get this game when it was released because I didn’t have money then and now that I have a little money, I as able to get it and assuage the crippling guilt I felt for having never played it. So stop judging me! I’ve already explained myself.


Elite Beat Agents (DS): I hate this game because I’m not good at it.

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia (DS): They placed the bosses at the beginning of the level, instead of the end. The boss fights comes down to pattern memorization, which requires moves to be pulled off with precision and adds a whole new level of challenge as you don’t usually have the sheer brute strength to dice the enemy to ribbons. I personally miss dicing the enemy to ribbons. Gimme Crissagrim any day.

Penny Arcade Adventures : On the Precipice of Darkness Episode 2 (XBLA): My unabashed love for those Penny Arcade fellows knows no bounds, therefore I have no criticism. Later, I will launder my Penny Arcade shirts, read my Penny Arcade books and write about boys I like in my Penny Arcade journal.

ICO (PS2): I found a copy and I’m going to appreciate the hell out of it.

Wii Fit: I got it during the summer when it first came out, and played it last during the summer when it first came out. The game has the upper hand though, as it knows both how much I weigh and now how lazy I am as well. I’ll let you in on the secret though; it’s “very”.

Rez HD (XBLA): I have all the levels of this game memorized by this point and I don’t know whether that means I’ve become really good at it or if I’ve become autistic.

Audiosurf (PC): I’m currently #1 in the world on America’s “Man’s Road” from The Last Unicorn Soundtrack.

Team Fortress 2 (Xbox360): The amount of hours I’ve put into this game is nauseating. And oh, the awful, terrible, inexcusable things I say to people in this game…


A few months ago, I sat on my Xbox360 headset and snapped it off at the headband. I bought a new one, which was quickly chewed through by my kitten, Boo. I’ve been using the one with the wire that’s hanging by a thread, but it recently puttered out and died. So I’ve been attaching the one with no headband to my head by way of bandana. I think if anyone could see me, they would be intimidated.
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