I watched them. I watched them as they did their sweet, loving, sensual dance of passion. At least it appeared passionate considering the fact that I forced the two of them to fornicate and conceive a bastard child. Oh, but I wasn’t done with them yet, oh no. That child, the perfect little child, I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I offered him his own mother so they too could conceive just for me. The father on the other hand, I made an example out of him. I laid him at the mercy of the birds and let them pick him apart until he exploded into little pieces.
Ok, now those little pieces may have been candy, but that is still some fucked up shit. On my recent trip to NYC, we stopped at a virgin megastore to look at the new game, movie, and music releases. As my lady-friend perused the DS section, she informed me that Viva Piñata was now out on the portable system. Now I had my reservations, immediately thinking of it as the retard version or one that has nothing to do with the original IP it was based on. But now that I have played it I can tell you once and for all that this shit is for real, son.
At first I was a little put off. The tutorial for this game was a good 10 minutes, but surprisingly it is well-needed. The game holds your hand as it teaches you the very basics of Viva with the new touch screen interface. You can do everything you can on its 360 counterpart. So it teaches you how to plant your seeds, water them, grow your grass (this is starting to sound very much like hashish) and con them cute little bastards into living the rest of their short meaningless lives in the hell hole that is my garden where I will likilly hit them with my shovel and sell them to the highest bidder. Now, I loved my share of Viva on the 360, but I never really got close to “catchin’ them all”, but with the DS version I can easily play a little bit here and there. For instance, I can romance two Squazzils while I'm defecating all by my lonesome. I can put up some statues to attract Flutterscotches while playing flip cup. I can even plant a blueberry tree while gorilla masking a good friend.
However, not all my time in this world has been fun. Sometimes Jeff has to beat bitches to death with a shovel because they just eat the Mousemallow that I was about to force into having intercourse. Sometimes your piñatas think that eating the food with the purple, zigzagging, rotting lines over them is a good idea and then they get sick. And since this game is apparently in the US or some other place with no free health care, I have to pay for a Doctor if I am to revive them. Because the price is so high, I make the executive decision to beat them to death and let the other piñatas feast on their remains.
I’m only about 20% through the game so I do not know for sure how long it's going to stick. Plus, I'm also playing MegaMan 9, which I should post about soon. I’m likely going to grab the Duke on live and FUCKING WIPEOUT HD COMES OUT ON THURSDAY. Cheers hoping that I get some sort of food poisoning so I have many more Piñata filled trips to the can.
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