Bargain Bin Bonanza: The Hellish Hopping

I went to the store the other day with the morbid desire to play a game I could purchase for less than the price of Crunchwrap Supreme (meal). I passed on the hundred various sports games of yesteryear which were selling for a dollar a piece and looked for something more colorful. I meant that literally though, its not like I wanted to find something violent or racist, but I wish I did . Eventually, I came across Zapper: One Wicked Cricket for the Gamecube by Infogrames (This is not to be confused with Tapper: One Cricket Wicket). When you see box art that has a sassy cricket on it being all like “What”, you have to learn to recognize. Game in bag, I headed home to see what this was all about.

I'll tell you what it was all about. Making me angry. That's what it was about. First of all, I don't have a memory card, so I couldn't save. The horrors I had to endure until the bitter end...the horrors! Normally I would just throw down the controller in frustration and walk away, but no! Not being able to save forced me to keep on keeping on. Second of all...you're a cricket. An ugly, electricity shooting cricket. The bad guy is a female Magpie that's apparently laying eggs all over the place, which is a problem (littering? population control?), she also snatched up your brother or something. What do I know? There was no dialog, just some bastardized Simlish that made me want to punch someone, or cover my ears. So in each level you need to destroy six of the eggs all whilst collecting as many fireflies as you can find. The first level is supposed to be your neighborhood, but everyone is trying to kill you. It's like you're the one neighbor that doesn't mow his lawn or goes out to get the paper with their robe wide open, flapping in the breeze. The environments for the first few levels are appropriately cricket sized, and were kind of cute. They were like an average garden, full of things that want you dead. So, like most gardens. There are picketing squirrels in the level that can kill you (their signs just have a nut on them), there are snails that can kill you, there are slugs that apparently have a full skeletal system that can kill you and there are also golden statues with swords that can kill you (a must for every garden). In addition to that, there are a myriad of things that you can fall off of and die. This is every level. Constantly falling to your death. There are some platforms where you could just move from one to another, and others where you needed jump over and I was constantly overestimating my character's ability to jump and falling to my doom. Excuse me for thinking a cricket, who does nothing all day but jump, and nothing all night but jump and keep me awake could easily jump across a small gap. Excuse me.

There isn't much to the levels, most of the game play comes from trying to collect all of the fireflies by killing all the enemies and finding secret areas. I was going to do that, but then I remembered I don't give a shit. So I just plowed through the levels. Less than halfway through I decided invincibility would be a good idea, as well as infinite lives considering I merely wanted to see what they had to offer in level design. Boy did they have something to offer! After the first world was complete, the rest of the game had no cohesive theme. I went from a Voodoo themed cave, to a saw mill, to a western ghost town, to an evil train (one of the cars was a grill with burgers on it for some reason). The Magpie's final level was a huge industrial tower with the Magpie overseeing my actions as I ascended, laughing at me every time I died...which is many times. It's laughter cut through me like a thousand knives. I wanted nothing more than to see it utterly and completely destroyed. This is not true of real life Magpies which are very cute, but they also don't laugh at your failure.

Onward to the final boss fight! The Magpie sits atop a pile of gold (because apparently laying eggs all over the place is a profitable and successful business venture) and tries to kill you by making more holes to fall into, shooting eggs at you (gross) and dive bombing you. It was an epic battle; hopping around in circles, falling into holes, coming back, repeat, sometimes actually hitting the Magpie, and finally...

As a testament to how truly awful this game was: it froze as I dealt the final hit. I just kind of pursed my lips and nodded my head at it. It was like the game knew that not only was it purchased for a paltry two dollars, but that it would be played by a person with malice in their heart and a strong contempt for games starring sassy insects. Touché game, touché.