“ Give it to me, Commander. I’ve been craving some of your Shepard’s Pie filling. . . all over my blue face!”“ At ease, Private. Permission to land my Alliance Destroyer inside your docking bay?”
“ Permission granted.”
The dream started the same way it does every night. It wouldn’t be long before I’d be copulating with a sexy Asari scientist, conducting experiments on the best way to please a head tentacle. Technically she was neither male nor female, but as my good friend, Frost once told me, " It doesn't matter when it's Asari, baby!" Words to live by.
Just when the sexing was about to commence, a Geth crashed through the ceiling. Almost immediately, his tinny voice began to resonate in a way that attempted to mimic singing. “ I'm going to be the one that's taking over, now this is what it's like when worlds collide. Are you ready to go? Because I'm ready to go. What are you going to do baby, baby? Are you going with me? Because I'm going with you. It's the end of all time."
The Geth was my singing cell phone, serenading me with the news that I was receiving a call. I constricted its silicon vocal cords by choking the volume button. I resumed my slumber. Then the vibrating started. After a deluge of miniature seismic events subsided, I woke up to find that I had received a number of amber alerts from friends that the Killzone 2 demo was spotted on the European PSN.
It wasn’t until night that I approached the red standby light of my PS3, like the burning eye of a Helghan. This was one omen I should have heeded. Now, I am a supporter of no particular party, not the Red Party (360), the Barren Desert Brown Party (PS3), or the Rainbow Party (Wii). So you can trust me when I say, this game sucks! I didn’t even make it past the menu. The sheer volume of glaring flaws and poor UI choices prevented me from taking the slightest step forward. Seriously, zero gravity coitus interruptus and sex organ colonization was brought to a screeching halt for this? As a young boy, my mother always impressed upon me that “you never get a second chance to make a first impression.” In that spirit, I declare that KZ2 is unplayable because its menu is nothing short of abhorrent. For all those n00bs out there, I will now express why it is not even fit for a Marcus Fenix curb stomp execution. Buckle up your domepiece for the Killzone 2 Demo Menu Preview Review.
Background Images
Why are they so blurry? Why only vague suggestions of smoke on a battlefield? What are you hiding, Gorilla? The fact that your game doesn’t look as good as Gears 2? Methinks so. I’d bet a hooker in a Helghan brothel wearing an alloy-embossed, respirating burqa looks better than this game. Probably more fun too.
Sound
You could imagine my surprise when I didn’t hear different assortments of gunshots when alternating between bars in the menu. There isn’t even vibration feedback when cycling through. I like being assaulted by recoil everytime I move between things in a menu. To be a AAA title these days, you have to give the goods. God of War pioneered the loud, razor sharp menu. The sounds of blades being unsheathed and chains whipping invisible targets made me about as giddy as a dog sinking its teeth into a squeaking chew toy, sated by the emulated cries of a small, dying animal. I want to feel like I’m killing something right off the bat. I want to be killing the menu well before I start killing enemies. My standards weren’t even that high for KZ2’s menu, it is Sony after all. I expected it to at least be somewhat corrosive. I would have even settled for different obscenities being shouted by your squadmates. Get your menu pacing right! The game’s called KILLzone for Christ sake! Turns out it’s nothing more than a low-rent shooter in Spartan’s armor. Am I right or am I right?
Difficulty Options
Shits gay
Loading Screen
It gets points for having a Sixaxis-functional loading screen, but all your doing is tilting a picture of a bridge. Vetka to Guerilla, this isn’t Architectural fucking Digest. This is WAR! What untapped potential. They could have replaced that boring image with a Helghan baby that could be shaken to death with frenetic and crazed jerks of the controller. They could have had the dead Helghan leader hanging from a rusted scaffold, aching to be given a post-mortem flogging like a piñata or Benito Mussolini’s corpse.
Conclusion
It gets points for the Sixaxis loading screen, but not many. Overall just uninspired. The only comfort I got out of the experience was the knowledge that I potentially made a download for some piece of freedom-hating Eurotrash that much longer.
For those of you who think I’m being unfair, unjust, and unreasonable towards this shitheap, deeming this game unworthy of my time without so much as playing a solitary second of gameplay, fuck you. From a palette that would only look good to the colorblind, to the hazy frosted glass of the background, this game is simply fascist. Its freedom-infringing and hollow, not to mention that its fascist in content. Collecting badges in multiplayer? All of you little Helghan Youth have fun with that. Check and mate.
THE BREAKDOWN
Intuitiveness: 5
Titty Physics: 0
Sandbox Elements: 3
Funness: 0
Availability on 360: -10
Master Chief: 0
Kratos: 0
Loudness: 2
OVERALL:
2/10.765675875975897yfyf87o57855785o87
(This is not an average of all scores)
(This is not an average of all scores)
- manhood_mincer420
P.S. Since I didn’t play the game, I’m going to base my judgments off of the testimony of these credible and astute individuals who inundated Ign with their levelheaded and well-articulated logic. They’re certainly more trustworthy than this corporate fucker. Who cares if you copy and paste their comments into MS Word and all of a sudden the whole document lights up with spelling error squiggles like hellfire and resembles an eyeball that had all of its capillaries burst. Anyway, here’s a portion of them:
once again dis bullshit ass site oh gears get a fucking 10 for graphics but yet killzone looks way better and get a fucking 9.5 yeah ign u getting paid by microsoft and a bunch of xbots...
Posted by: bonifidehustla on January 29, 2009 09:16 PDT
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These game will obviously not match games like halo or gears yet KZ2 gets all high scores so far? I don't get it sony....
Posted by: cvdfg on January 29, 2009 09:22 PDT
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What the F***!!
Are IGN takin the piss or what??!!
so their pretty much saying that resistance 2 is better than killzone 2....tbh IGN are one the worst reviewers i've thus far like >:O ( they know fuck all about games )
KILLZONE deserve a Fuckin 10...because...
Posted by: Mo-FoFreak on January 29, 2009 09:52 PDT
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Fuck IGN and their slanted 360 ways. They know their asses are just pulling for that shit console because they know how superior the PS3 is.
They treat the PS3 just as bad as the PC and it's making me fucking sick to my stomach. There's a reason why PC gaming doesn't seem so flock worthy cause they're asses are still trying to get those achievements for Halo 3.
Fuck IGN and their rating system. I think they should drop dead and realize that in order to really appreciate a game, appreciate it for what it's worth, not how much dick it sucks.
Posted by: BeastlyFlameChucks76 on January 29, 2009 09:55 PDT
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Wasn't this game supposed to be PS3's Saviour???
Wasn't this game supposed to be a Halo 3 beater???
Guess not.....
Posted by: singh100 on January 29, 2009 09:55 PDT
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Metroid Prime 3>Halo 3>Killzone 2 (Yes, I haven't played it, but from the looks of things/Killzone 1)
Metroid's single player is by far the best of all current FPSes, even if there's a lack of Multi-Player....
Posted by: Knight-Nui on January 29, 2009 10:11 PDT
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Leave it to IGN to be so easly impressed. "Oooo look at the pretty flowers!". This is exactly why the opinions here can not be trusted or even taken seriously....
Posted by: ZombieKingX on February 09, 2009 13:50 PDT
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Gears of War 2, 9.5, 'nuff said. 360 FTW!...
Posted by: LDirtyD on January 29, 2009 10:46 PDT
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Resistance 2, 9.5, 'nuff said.
Posted by: Wessking1990 on January 29, 2009 10:51 PDT
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ha ha ha ha take that sony still cant beat halo ha ha i dont care if halo one by a point it still got a beter score...
Posted by: xAUSTIN316x on January 29, 2009 11:24 PDT
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ha ha ha ha halo sucks...
Posted by: Regulator1212 on January 29, 2009 11:29 PDT
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All i gotta say is gaylo got pwned!,lets see how this compares to cod 4.Im comepletly not playing cod4 or 5 after this is out....
Posted by: bladdermetal on February 01, 2009 11:24 PDT
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Also have you ever seen a real flamethrower? I doubt many people did.
And how do you know gasoline wouldn't look like that, set ablaze, if its firing at a thousand miles per hpur.
Posted by: killkill-tk on January 31, 2009 18:02 PDT
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@ killkill-tk
Liquid like how gasoline is liquid cuz im pretty sure gasoline still doesnt look like that when set ablaze. Ive never seen a flamethrower, a real one that is, that looks like the one in this game. And where did you attend fifth grade? I know you wanna sound smart but no one takes that kind of physics in fifth grade. By the way you said "superheated condensed gas" emphasis on gas. And sorry for the misunderstanding but I wasnt implying that you invented the word xbots, PS3 fanboys in general did, if I wanted to prove a consoles superiorty I would show you the number of sales of PS3s and Xboxs. [-] Minimize Comment
Posted by: JimDanD on January 31, 2009 17:52 PDT
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@killkill-tk
Correct me if im wrong, but i dont think flamethrower fuel fires at "thousands of miles per hour"...
Posted by: 1337n00bstick on January 31, 2009 18:24 PDT
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Meh, another sony attempt to copy Halo. The first one sucked, why would this be any different?...
Posted by: StoicismAD on January 31, 2009 19:49 PDT
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@ Batigol,
Dude, you don't own a 360 you make that clearly obvious. "lucky i also got a ps3" is the universal phrase for liars. You are an embarrassment to anyone whom represents a cause. I am ashamed that you are a PS3 fanboy, you can stick that fanboy flag up your arse....
Posted by: SpartanLink on January 31, 2009 12:51 PDT
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silly ok check BatigoI gamer tag my score is 65456 you fool then come back and talk rubish lol...
Posted by: BatigoI on January 31, 2009 12:54 PDT
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SpartanLink add me to friends list on 360 and we ll do one on one on cod 4 or gears1 or 2 and ill show you ive got an xbox lol typical xbox live loud mouth you proved my point haha...
Posted by: BatigoI on January 31, 2009 12:58 PDT
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@ Batigol,
If Batigol is you're gamertag, then that would still make you a liar. Your gamerscore is 4515 (lol) and you've never played Gears 2 or CoD4. Either way, you're still a fanboy, and you can stick your fanboy flag up your arse. Having an XBL account where you play Lego Batman and SpongeBob Underpants doesn't justify anything you say. You are still an embarrassment to all whom represent a cause. Posted by: SpartanLink on January 31, 2009 13:12 PDT
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lol faggot its BatigoI capital i at the end not L and i have 1000g on gears 1,2 and call of duty 4 and world at war check again .what a fool...
Posted by: BatigoI on January 31, 2009 13:14 PDT
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send friends request loud mouth,and my score is 65000, let your gaming do the talking haha...
Posted by: BatigoI on January 31, 2009 13:18 PDT
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hahaha,
There we go. I'm starting to question if you have a social life after I saw your profile. For someone who's invested that much time into the 360 just to say it sucks either hates their life or has no life. As I've said before, I hate fanboys and you can stick that flag up your arse.
Posted by: SpartanLink on January 31, 2009 13:22 PDT
lol my gamer tag just shot you down ,so your the one whos wrong haha, and i didnt say anythink about 360 that wasnt true ,only stated that people on live are fools just like you .and then you go and prove me right! send friends request or shut the hell up fag ....
Posted by: BatigoI on January 31, 2009 13:29 PDT
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@ BatigoI,
Actually, I'm not wrong because you're still a fanboy. 80% of people on Live are not fools, it is the fools who stand out because they are fools and they are usually kicked from matches (by the majority of players who don't like fools). Why would I waste space on my friends list to accomodate a fanboy loser? I try to keep it at 99 so that new people can still send me friend requests, and I'm not going to remove someone just to play a loser like you. As I've said before, your gamertag is a joke, and it is a perfect represenation of your pathetic life. For someone to play the 360 as often as you is pathetic. You can like the PS3 more, I don't really care because I like MGS4 more than most 360 games, but you just make yourself look like a fool when you rip on other consoles. Grow up noob:P
Posted by: SpartanLink on January 31, 2009 13:38 PDT
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well.... now we se that the ps3 has a 2 game library.
and thats ok.
now just wait to se if shitzone2 lives to the overhiped expactatiosn....
Posted by: isaac8025 on January 31, 2009 13:42 PDT
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