Do Chulips Feel Numb?

I've recently become acquainted with an absolute gem of a game called Chulip. Originally produced by Punchline and released in Japan in 2002 for the Playstation 2, it was distributed in America by Natsume in 2007. It was a Game Stop exclusive release, but it's not like they made a big deal out of it here. I bought the game on a whim, as it was produced by Natsume and my hunger for cutesy life simulators that incorporate mild fantasy elements must be sated (Harvest Moon has been delayed until the end of the month). Also, according to the box, the central gameplay revolves around kissing. “Smooches!?”, I exclaimed, then giggled and payed 10 dollars for my treasure.

As your little male character kisses more and more “people” (I put people in quotes because I'm unsure what some were), your father speaks with the “Lover's Tree” at night about your progress in the ways of love. The “Lover's Tree” is a tree with a human face, one of several odd characters which are objects with human faces. Anyway, the tree “strengthens your heart” based on how many people you have kissed. A strong heart is one step toward finally kissing the girl of your dreams. I'm level six, which apparently equates to being a Ladykiller, despite the fact the majority of people I've kissed were men. Actually most of the people you kiss are “Underground Residents”, creatures that come out on the surface once a day and are constantly angry. What's scary is that that is an accurate description of myself.

I enjoy the game very much, as it includes some adventure gaming aspects. Each of the many oh-so- kissable characters in the game has a prerequisite to their kiss, whether it be returning something they've lost, hurting yourself in some terrible way, or stealing, just like in real life. If you attempt to kiss anyone before they are ready, they will put your ass in your place so fast, it's not even funny. You have a life meter, which is your heart slowly breaking. The character you play takes everything to heart though. He fell on a slide, his heart broke. He finds fecal matter in the trash (“Poopie”), his heart breaks. It's all very tragic. The only way to restore the love in his heart is with the unconditional positive regard your father provides you as you sleep. It's either that or you wash your hands. You know what they say, "Cleanliness is close to fatherlylovelyness". I just love the fact that nothing can be done within the game without kissing. You can't progress in the story line without laying it on someone and the game ends when you kiss the girl of your dreams. Well shit lady, who needs you? I've kissed everyone in town, plus a bunch of mole people and now you want me? Damn.

I do have problems with the game, though I tolerate most of them. The first being that your character can't run. He just walks everywhere like he doesn't have everyone to kiss. The only way to run is to kiss an Underground Resident named “The Hasty Wizard” who then gives you a fruit called the “Speedupple” that you eat and it gives you the ability to run. Which brings me to my next point; the game is really very unforgiving. The guide book that came with the game just tells you what to do. The game is so aware of the fact that you will have no idea what to do otherwise, they go ahead and hold your hand through the game. How am I supposed to know that in order to get the Zombie to kiss you, you need to first kiss the Voodoo Doll and then give Lavender and a wilted flower to a talking stone lion who runs a bath house? I didn't even make that up. Is that common knowledge?

Honestly though, play Chulip. My life feels a little richer from having played it. I learned that you need to give love to everyone you meet (the most famous groupies share this mentality as they give love equally to both rock stars and roadies alike) and in that way, every kiss will feel like the first... with fireworks and serene music while floating in space.

The part of me that is deeply saddened by games that lack an achievements system, has generated some achievements for use with Chulip. Whether or not they are possible is beyond me, but here they are none the less.






-Be accused of rape 5 times.


-Kiss the Lover's Tree.


-Kiss 10 children


-Drink your troubles away.


-Inanimate objects are laughing at and/or with you.


-Contract Oral herpes.


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Hoes Before Bros: Building Meaningful Relationships in Harvest Moon

In Mid September, myself and many other farming simulation fans will be picking up the first installment of the Harvest Moon series to come out for the Nintendo Wii system. If you pre-ordered the game, you will also be receiving a stuffed cow, an offer which is too good to pass up (he's smiling!). Stuffed cows aside, playing Harvest Moon is much more than just toil and hard work...planting little seeds and watching them grow into beautiful plants, showing the whole goddamn town what you're made of and proving to your father that you can make it on your own, it's so much more. At the heart of every Harvest Moon game is the village you now live in, filled with people you will grow to love. You can get the guys in the town to confide in you regarding girl troubles, and then use that information to romance the girls for yourself.

This is always where I had the most fun in Harvest Moon games. My femininity allows me to be excited about this, but playing as a male character changed the dynamic a bit. When I played the N64 version of the game I found myself becoming the biggest sleaze ball ever. Was it enough to have one girl fall in love with me? No, certainly not. I wanted all of them to fawn over me. Even after my character was married, I continued to give the other ladies gifts daily, while my wife stayed at home ( My real-life gameplay audio excerpt: “...In the kitchen, where she belongs! It took alaaaaata lumber to build that kitchen, doll-face.”) In the Wii installment you can choose to play as either a male or female. I will be forgoing the privilege to play as my own gender in this game. Even in the wonderful world of Harvest Moon, the double standard still applies: If you have a lot of guys as a girl, you are a harlot. If you have a lot of girls as a guy, “eeeeeeeeey!”.

Eventually you will have to pick one of these ladies to be your wife, and I intend to help you make that choice. Let's take a look at what good 'ole Waffle Town has to offer.




Anissa: The gentle female farmer. She will most likely be the most useful on the farm. She'll also stick by you even after you come home from the milk bar high on beef Endorphins and beat her with a fresh turnip in a tube sock.



Kathy: The local bar-maid. She's tough and resilient. She answers to no man. Be the first to break her fiery spirit!



Candace: Only you will know whether the quiet weird girl is into the freaky stuff... like cross breeding watermelons and bananas.



Leena: She loves animals. She loves them so much, she'll hardly mind sleeping in the barn when you have your buddies over for poker nights.



Mai: She loves food more than anything! Make sure to constantly remind her where those cupcakes are going (the thighs).



Phoebe: She's an inventor. After you get married, you can force her to work many sleepless nights on complex Rube Goldberg machines that complete pointless tasks that would normally require minimal effort.



Roomi: She's eight (going on 30)!



Shiela: Her hips are like "BLAM"!



Juli: This is a DUDE! DO NOT HIT ON!


Now that I have given you an overview of the ladies you have to choose from, go forth and be fruitful. And don't forget to put whatever you want to sell in the bin before 5pm, that's when the buyer comes. But not on holidays.
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