Ta-Da!

Recently, my Xbox 360, Sir Scrimshaw gave up a year-long battle with red ring. So it goes. No amount of towels or thread counts could resurrect him this time. All of Linens N' Things employees and all of their stockmen couldn't put my 360 back together again. I requested EVAC from the good people at 1-800-4MYXBOX, but with an expired warranty and no current red ring problem, ordering a cardboard coffin would cost $100. If only there was an affordable alternative. So, I gave him a proper burial and then decided to get a newer 360 that wasn't as pre-disposed to manufacturing flaws as the late Scrimshaw was. I think I should also mention that I put off reading his last rites for about three months. I simply lived with his rotting corpse and was only motivated to find a solution recently when a certain something started approaching over the distant horizon.

I bought a used Arcade system from GameStop for $170. After "Jumping In©" and finding the perfect scars and facial hair for my avatar, who sort of resembles a Rapturian version of Count Count, I was back to shooting swastikas and having restraining orders issued against me. That was until the next day. . . I tried to open the disc tray. I tried again. " The third time's a charm, right?" "WROoOoOoNG," the infernal beast's inner trinketry whispered, or at least the cooling fans made a noise that sounded similar to that. God dammit... So it goes again.

Constipated 360 in-tow, I headed off to GameStop and explained to the manager that in less than 12 hours after buying it, the disc tray was jammed. I suggested an exorcism, a choo-choo train of oil, etc. We settled on plugging it in and doing a physical. The manager employed the same strategy that I had previously and went about pressing the eject button repeatedly. The tray made lethargic attempts to go forward and backward, but didn't get far before stopping completely. This fruitless poking and prodding went on for another minute in complete silence. Finally, the tray went all of the way into the console and also made a full journey back. The laconic manager kept poking without any emotion, watching the tray poke out of the machine and go back in, possibly fantasizing about playing whac-a-tray.

All of a sudden, right when the tray was making another trip out of the innards of the 360, it had a copy of Halo 3 sitting in it. The manager and I both looked at each other in disbelief, making sure the other had also born witness to this magic trick. Once this was confirmed we both lost it. While he told his employees exactly what he just saw, I stood there looking at the console wondering how that was possible. Maybe it wasn't an Arcade system. It could have been a prototype of a new SKU that accidentally got released, the Xbox 360 Shark. What other stolen treasures lay inside it's metallic stomach? Maybe the previous owner had it modded with an improbability drive. Maybe it was separated from its young, mistook me for its baby and gave me an offering of regurgitated gamefood. Then the cold, hard reality set in that I was one in a long history of owners who owned this evil machine, which had a healthy appetite for gobbling up physical media.

I thought about returning it, but after thinking about him being the David Blaine of GameStop that night, I reconsidered. . . plus it came with a one year warranty. . . plus I used it as an excuse to get a new copy of Fallout 3 to replace my original one, which was damaged in an unrelated case. Sure I got angry, sure I scolded him, however, I couldn't stay mad at him after that. I suppose it was comparable to your cute, boxy, bone white puppy vomiting or shitting out a porcelain Precious Moments figurine that fell from the china cabinet. He could even have a bright future in the Console Carnival industry. If Microsoft customer support has taught me anything it's that there's money to be made off of even the most defective litter of God's children.
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A Hiatus Happened, I Guess

Well it’s been awhile hasn’t it? There is a little institution known as “Generic College” that has things called “Finals” which needed to be attended to. After that, there was another institution called “It’s the holiday time”, during which everyone consumes exorbitant amounts of something called “Food” until they fall unconscious. I personally had cookies for days. These circumstances didn’t lend themselves well to sitting down and writing about games though unfortunately, for me or my esteemed colleagues. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t playing them though. Oh no, you would be wrong if you ever assumed that I wasn’t playing. Dead wrong. Over the last few months, there was a ridiculous flood of games I needed to purchase, putting me in absolute poverty. It’s all good though, I enjoyed myself immensely. After the new releases slowed, I started to purchase older games I should have played years ago, but didn’t in addition to the new ones. I was too distracted to write anything. I left nary a note when going out to pick up milk and eggs and missed several doctors appointments because I failed to mark them on the calendar. Anyway, I lost count at around 18 or so different games (I believe the next number is 19) I’ve been juggling around or finished. Here are some thoughts:


Rock Band 2 (Xbox360): Like Rock Band 1! I transferred my songs from the first game to the second and removed “Train Kept a Rollin’” because it incites within in me a hatred that burns hot as brimstone in my belly. When the Roy Orbison Track Pack was released, I immediately purchased “In Dreams” and pretended I was Dean Stockwell in Blue Velvet.

Dead Space (Xbox360): Made me jumpy and gave me anxiety. Also, rivals Bioshock in the number of filthy bathrooms they chose to include.

Fallout 3 (Xbox360): I started to enjoy it at approximately the same time I was able to actually kill things. That being said, I enjoyed this game so much, I often forgot to blink for extended periods of time. Once I did, it hurt a lot.

Fable 2 (Xbox360): My female hero turned out to be gargantuan and manly, so after I finished the main storyline, I reduced her toughness to nothing so she had a normal figure and could no longer be described as “burly”. Then in the Knothole Island add-on I got my ass kicked by beetles.

Gears of War 2 (Xbox360): “Ooohhh the second game is going to be soooo emotional! We’ve got a new writer! The game is going to be so BADASS! So badass in fact, we’ve incorporated tears that can KILL A MAN to better fit the emotional badassery that going on up in n’yah.”

Left 4 Dead (Xbox360): More like Left ME 4 Dead, specifically! YOU DICKS, COME BACK!

Mirrors Edge (Xbox360): Run run run fall die run run run jump grab hoist run run slide get shot to death run run run run jump slide run run jump hoist kick run wait in an elevator.

Prince of Persia (Xbox360) : The witty repartee and sexual tension between the Prince and Elika just make me wish I were playing a sim game where I can force them to kiss instead of talking about her dead civilization. And I’m pretty sure whoever thought up the combat system should die.

A Kingdom For Keflings (XBLA): And WHAT a kingdom!

Meteos Wars (XBLA): On the receiving end of substantially more middle fingers and thumb bitings than any other game I’ve played on account of the computer player is a filthy whore.

Sam and Max Season 1 (Wii): Hooray! A reason to use my Wii!

World Of Goo (Wiiware): I got this game for free. I admittedly haven’t played it that much, but I like what I’m seeing. … Why even include this short review? Because I got it for FREE and also appreciate independent developers blah blah blah.


Shadow of the Colossus (PS2): It was about that time. I didn’t get this game when it was released because I didn’t have money then and now that I have a little money, I as able to get it and assuage the crippling guilt I felt for having never played it. So stop judging me! I’ve already explained myself.


Elite Beat Agents (DS): I hate this game because I’m not good at it.

Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia (DS): They placed the bosses at the beginning of the level, instead of the end. The boss fights comes down to pattern memorization, which requires moves to be pulled off with precision and adds a whole new level of challenge as you don’t usually have the sheer brute strength to dice the enemy to ribbons. I personally miss dicing the enemy to ribbons. Gimme Crissagrim any day.

Penny Arcade Adventures : On the Precipice of Darkness Episode 2 (XBLA): My unabashed love for those Penny Arcade fellows knows no bounds, therefore I have no criticism. Later, I will launder my Penny Arcade shirts, read my Penny Arcade books and write about boys I like in my Penny Arcade journal.

ICO (PS2): I found a copy and I’m going to appreciate the hell out of it.

Wii Fit: I got it during the summer when it first came out, and played it last during the summer when it first came out. The game has the upper hand though, as it knows both how much I weigh and now how lazy I am as well. I’ll let you in on the secret though; it’s “very”.

Rez HD (XBLA): I have all the levels of this game memorized by this point and I don’t know whether that means I’ve become really good at it or if I’ve become autistic.

Audiosurf (PC): I’m currently #1 in the world on America’s “Man’s Road” from The Last Unicorn Soundtrack.

Team Fortress 2 (Xbox360): The amount of hours I’ve put into this game is nauseating. And oh, the awful, terrible, inexcusable things I say to people in this game…


A few months ago, I sat on my Xbox360 headset and snapped it off at the headband. I bought a new one, which was quickly chewed through by my kitten, Boo. I’ve been using the one with the wire that’s hanging by a thread, but it recently puttered out and died. So I’ve been attaching the one with no headband to my head by way of bandana. I think if anyone could see me, they would be intimidated.
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And Now: Limericks

So in my spare time I've been writing Limericks. I "stumbledupon", as I so often do, and found a page of clever limericks. It was inspiring. I mean, I enjoyed a good haiku now and again, but I had never ventured into the world of limericks. So I figured it was time. Of course, I adapted my limericks so they had something to do with video games so that I may share. A little taste here, and more after the jump.

The armor may look like there's burl,
But from her helmet her hair did unfurl,
They all went erect,
In glaring respect,
When they found out their hero's a girl.



In Rapture he went on a date,
And got the girl home very late,
On her Welcome Rug,
He ripped out her slug,
Now her daddy will reciprocate.

While blankly chainsawing a locust,
A COG soldier seemed out of focus,
At night gears did grind,
And he was starting to find,
That liking just ladies was bogus.

Over countless test subjects she towers
A program with remarkable powers,
But alas, she must pout,
After much “in and out”
Not one of them thought to bring flowers.

As I gladly collected my loot,
I espied a terrible brute,
When over he lumbered,
I was over encumbered,
I died there for precious nirnroot.

There once was a space Engineer
Whose main objective was quite clear,
A glowing blue light,
Showed which way was right,
Of course the right way leads to fear.

Have you seen that comic by that guy?
It was so funny I thought I would cry.
The concept, though fun,
Is way overdone,
In the end it turns out its a spy.

Commander Shepherd, space soldier Elite,
With reputation that cannot be beat,
Though I know that I should,
Do my best to be good,
I just punch everyone that I meet.

Two Paper Pink Pigs feeling randy,
Thought maybe a dance would be handy,
It was awfully gruesome,
As the Posey Pink Twosome,
Made a baby, then took all its candy.

A boy lived under DC,
When his dad left without a decree,
He then fled the vault,
Though it wasn't his fault,
To follow a man he can't see.

And on that note, I must away. The Fallout 3 intro movie has played at least 10 times while I organized this and I really need to get up in there.

Continue?

My First hours in the Wasteland

I’ve finished the game at this point (so have Evan and Ben, those fuckers finished the main quest before me), and I plan to post more about it soon but this is a start. If you have played the first hours of the game and read this, you will be able to see just how different everyone experience is going to be from one another when they complete it. I did not know how to start talking about such a long and involved experience. I thought of writing a review like piece, but that would not explain properly why Fallout 3 is “of the hook” as you kids say. Just discussing the game over the weekend made me realize just how much more I can still do. And I think the best part is, I didn't have to.

Though there are rewards for completing more quests for more people, I found the most appealing aspect to be exploration of the Wastleland. The stories you will learn, and manipulation of the characters in the game (if your speech level is high enough OH WAIT mine is, my speech talk Tenpenny into letting ghouls stay at his tower; your speech got you a golden shower). Plus I still need Dogmeat. Well anyway here is my first hour or so, my father was very proud…

After cheating on my G.O.A.T, saving that asshole's mother from those puny radroaches, and killing my childhood crush’s father in cool blood just because he wouldn't let me out of that shithole, I was on my way to discovering the reason my father had left the fault and destroyed our simple lives. As my digital eyes got their first ever look at the digital sun, I realized that I was truly at home. Here I could be king and the world, (or at least what was left of it) and it was my playground. Now in the wasteland, even the nicest of people are not really nice in the traditional, 50’s sitcom way. They are picks; they hate their lives and as well they should. As I walked to the near by town of megaton, I experienced this first hand. I disliked everyone in this town.

The sheriff, who was the first person I confronted in the vault was nice, but because of all the shit he had been through he became more of shithead as I kept talking to him. The doctor who I had just meet told me to stop bitching about my wounds. If only there was a dialogue choose that said, “I’m paying you asshole so why don’t you shut the fuck up and do your job.” Don’t get me started about the religious fanatic, I barely talked to them and I doubt I will ever again.

Then some hotshot in this hellhole, told me that he had seen my father. I was thinking, finally, normal people in this wasteland, and what does that bastard do? He says he will tell me what I want to know if I give him 100 caps. 100 fucking bottle caps! So I told him to eat a dick and I wandered Megaton aimlessly looking for anyone who knew where my dear papa had gone. But I could not find anyone who could give me anything to go off of. I was stumped. So I went back to the man with the my head down and 100 caps that I had collected in my pocket. I guess what that fucker did, he told me that because I did not except his first offer that the price for that information that now the price for my dad’s location was 500 caps. At this point I was about to kill this fucker, when I noticed that I just got a new speech option because my speech level is so high. Fortunately it let me lower the price back to 100 caps. So I cut my losses, got the info I needed and never talked to that fucker again. Seems I may have a reason to blow up this shit hole after all.

Out of the four people I have talked to who are lucky enough to have Fallout 3, no one had the same experience in their first few hours then I did. One love, vote Obama…well I guess you already did that... he’s already elected. Continue?

Bargain Bin Bonanza: The Hellish Hopping

I went to the store the other day with the morbid desire to play a game I could purchase for less than the price of Crunchwrap Supreme (meal). I passed on the hundred various sports games of yesteryear which were selling for a dollar a piece and looked for something more colorful. I meant that literally though, its not like I wanted to find something violent or racist, but I wish I did . Eventually, I came across Zapper: One Wicked Cricket for the Gamecube by Infogrames (This is not to be confused with Tapper: One Cricket Wicket). When you see box art that has a sassy cricket on it being all like “What”, you have to learn to recognize. Game in bag, I headed home to see what this was all about.

I'll tell you what it was all about. Making me angry. That's what it was about. First of all, I don't have a memory card, so I couldn't save. The horrors I had to endure until the bitter end...the horrors! Normally I would just throw down the controller in frustration and walk away, but no! Not being able to save forced me to keep on keeping on. Second of all...you're a cricket. An ugly, electricity shooting cricket. The bad guy is a female Magpie that's apparently laying eggs all over the place, which is a problem (littering? population control?), she also snatched up your brother or something. What do I know? There was no dialog, just some bastardized Simlish that made me want to punch someone, or cover my ears. So in each level you need to destroy six of the eggs all whilst collecting as many fireflies as you can find. The first level is supposed to be your neighborhood, but everyone is trying to kill you. It's like you're the one neighbor that doesn't mow his lawn or goes out to get the paper with their robe wide open, flapping in the breeze. The environments for the first few levels are appropriately cricket sized, and were kind of cute. They were like an average garden, full of things that want you dead. So, like most gardens. There are picketing squirrels in the level that can kill you (their signs just have a nut on them), there are snails that can kill you, there are slugs that apparently have a full skeletal system that can kill you and there are also golden statues with swords that can kill you (a must for every garden). In addition to that, there are a myriad of things that you can fall off of and die. This is every level. Constantly falling to your death. There are some platforms where you could just move from one to another, and others where you needed jump over and I was constantly overestimating my character's ability to jump and falling to my doom. Excuse me for thinking a cricket, who does nothing all day but jump, and nothing all night but jump and keep me awake could easily jump across a small gap. Excuse me.

There isn't much to the levels, most of the game play comes from trying to collect all of the fireflies by killing all the enemies and finding secret areas. I was going to do that, but then I remembered I don't give a shit. So I just plowed through the levels. Less than halfway through I decided invincibility would be a good idea, as well as infinite lives considering I merely wanted to see what they had to offer in level design. Boy did they have something to offer! After the first world was complete, the rest of the game had no cohesive theme. I went from a Voodoo themed cave, to a saw mill, to a western ghost town, to an evil train (one of the cars was a grill with burgers on it for some reason). The Magpie's final level was a huge industrial tower with the Magpie overseeing my actions as I ascended, laughing at me every time I died...which is many times. It's laughter cut through me like a thousand knives. I wanted nothing more than to see it utterly and completely destroyed. This is not true of real life Magpies which are very cute, but they also don't laugh at your failure.

Onward to the final boss fight! The Magpie sits atop a pile of gold (because apparently laying eggs all over the place is a profitable and successful business venture) and tries to kill you by making more holes to fall into, shooting eggs at you (gross) and dive bombing you. It was an epic battle; hopping around in circles, falling into holes, coming back, repeat, sometimes actually hitting the Magpie, and finally...

As a testament to how truly awful this game was: it froze as I dealt the final hit. I just kind of pursed my lips and nodded my head at it. It was like the game knew that not only was it purchased for a paltry two dollars, but that it would be played by a person with malice in their heart and a strong contempt for games starring sassy insects. Touché game, touché. Continue?

Getting Down to the Tough Issues

This piece of work is coming to you from John Everson, a long time friend of the family who has an incredible knack for coming up with ridiculously complex, well thought out, and often hilarious comments. John and video games go way way back. I recall playing a game on my Commodore 64 that he made when he was very young. It involved killer bees, I believe. John's day job now involves getting games to work on technology that should by no means run games. Someone has got to cater to the frazzled housewife longing to play Bejeweled on her Kitchen Aide.

I'll keep this short as not to detract from the dialog. The following came up while we were discussing the Presidential debate. I wasn't watching it, but from what John has told me, he only changed a few key words. Enjoy.



Moderator: What would you do to solve the financial crisis as president?

McCain: I'll put on a spending freeze.

Obama: But I want a program that educates young children. Senator McCain wants to freeze young children?!!!

McCain: If you freeze them, you can shatter them with one hit.

Obama: Senator McCain, our financial difficulties are not metroids.

~

Obama: I need to make one point, Senator, the republican party is mired in the gaming policies of the 1980's. Bionic Commando Rearmed still doesn't have a jump button and the American people need one in this time of crisis.

McCain: Everyone knows I've never been voted Ms. Congeniality, but the American People know me well that I have also played games from the 90's, like 7th guest and Myst. If America has learned a lesson, it is that the policies of full motion video should not be ignored.

~

Moderator: What do you think of the lessons of the latest round of games for the Wii?

Obama: We have spent over 6 billion dollars so far, almost a trillion, on games like Dogz, Catz, and the Bee Movie game. Many of these are played once and never touched again. Others are still in their wrapper. And all of this costs American people money.

I think the lesson that needs to be drawn is to look to the free flash games, like desktop tower defense, or the one with the dolphins. These games are free, fun, and don't impact the American Wallet.

McCain: I disagree. I don't have the latest version of Flash, so I can't play most of those games.

McCain: Also, if you turn the Wiimote sideways, you can play Donkey Kong Math for 500 wii points



~


McCain: Two fourth of Julys ago, I was in Baghdad, staying with some of the troops. I was honored to be there and to speak with the troops. And I sat down with them for quite some time, and I was amazed that they are still playing Syphon Filter 3 on the PS2. This is a travesty for the greatest military in the world. These troops need our funding, they need our support, and they need 360s, to do their job, and to show the American people they can play Halo 3 as well as the Koreans or the Canadians.

~

Moderator: In 2007, President Bush ordered a voteban of xXPwnOfTheDeadXx from a counter-strike server. Senator McCain voted for that ban. You did not, explain why.

Obama: We have a 20th century mindset that says that if we are getting sniped repeatedly, we should punish those who are responsible.

McCain: I don't think senator Obama understands that xXPwnOfTheDeadXx was clearly clipping. I supported the ban, but I did not support having Pwn sent to Guantanamo Bay. I think banning his Steam account would've sufficed.

~

John: It makes you wonder if fata1ity needs to give his two cents.
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DS is the Best in the Business P.S. We got Dicks like Jesus

I watched them. I watched them as they did their sweet, loving, sensual dance of passion. At least it appeared passionate considering the fact that I forced the two of them to fornicate and conceive a bastard child. Oh, but I wasn’t done with them yet, oh no. That child, the perfect little child, I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I offered him his own mother so they too could conceive just for me. The father on the other hand, I made an example out of him. I laid him at the mercy of the birds and let them pick him apart until he exploded into little pieces.

Ok, now those little pieces may have been candy, but that is still some fucked up shit. On my recent trip to NYC, we stopped at a virgin megastore to look at the new game, movie, and music releases. As my lady-friend perused the DS section, she informed me that Viva Piñata was now out on the portable system. Now I had my reservations, immediately thinking of it as the retard version or one that has nothing to do with the original IP it was based on. But now that I have played it I can tell you once and for all that this shit is for real, son.

At first I was a little put off. The tutorial for this game was a good 10 minutes, but surprisingly it is well-needed. The game holds your hand as it teaches you the very basics of Viva with the new touch screen interface. You can do everything you can on its 360 counterpart. So it teaches you how to plant your seeds, water them, grow your grass (this is starting to sound very much like hashish) and con them cute little bastards into living the rest of their short meaningless lives in the hell hole that is my garden where I will likilly hit them with my shovel and sell them to the highest bidder. Now, I loved my share of Viva on the 360, but I never really got close to “catchin’ them all”, but with the DS version I can easily play a little bit here and there. For instance, I can romance two Squazzils while I'm defecating all by my lonesome. I can put up some statues to attract Flutterscotches while playing flip cup. I can even plant a blueberry tree while gorilla masking a good friend.

However, not all my time in this world has been fun. Sometimes Jeff has to beat bitches to death with a shovel because they just eat the Mousemallow that I was about to force into having intercourse. Sometimes your piñatas think that eating the food with the purple, zigzagging, rotting lines over them is a good idea and then they get sick. And since this game is apparently in the US or some other place with no free health care, I have to pay for a Doctor if I am to revive them. Because the price is so high, I make the executive decision to beat them to death and let the other piñatas feast on their remains.

I’m only about 20% through the game so I do not know for sure how long it's going to stick. Plus, I'm also playing MegaMan 9, which I should post about soon. I’m likely going to grab the Duke on live and FUCKING WIPEOUT HD COMES OUT ON THURSDAY. Cheers hoping that I get some sort of food poisoning so I have many more Piñata filled trips to the can.
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Do Chulips Feel Numb?

I've recently become acquainted with an absolute gem of a game called Chulip. Originally produced by Punchline and released in Japan in 2002 for the Playstation 2, it was distributed in America by Natsume in 2007. It was a Game Stop exclusive release, but it's not like they made a big deal out of it here. I bought the game on a whim, as it was produced by Natsume and my hunger for cutesy life simulators that incorporate mild fantasy elements must be sated (Harvest Moon has been delayed until the end of the month). Also, according to the box, the central gameplay revolves around kissing. “Smooches!?”, I exclaimed, then giggled and payed 10 dollars for my treasure.

As your little male character kisses more and more “people” (I put people in quotes because I'm unsure what some were), your father speaks with the “Lover's Tree” at night about your progress in the ways of love. The “Lover's Tree” is a tree with a human face, one of several odd characters which are objects with human faces. Anyway, the tree “strengthens your heart” based on how many people you have kissed. A strong heart is one step toward finally kissing the girl of your dreams. I'm level six, which apparently equates to being a Ladykiller, despite the fact the majority of people I've kissed were men. Actually most of the people you kiss are “Underground Residents”, creatures that come out on the surface once a day and are constantly angry. What's scary is that that is an accurate description of myself.

I enjoy the game very much, as it includes some adventure gaming aspects. Each of the many oh-so- kissable characters in the game has a prerequisite to their kiss, whether it be returning something they've lost, hurting yourself in some terrible way, or stealing, just like in real life. If you attempt to kiss anyone before they are ready, they will put your ass in your place so fast, it's not even funny. You have a life meter, which is your heart slowly breaking. The character you play takes everything to heart though. He fell on a slide, his heart broke. He finds fecal matter in the trash (“Poopie”), his heart breaks. It's all very tragic. The only way to restore the love in his heart is with the unconditional positive regard your father provides you as you sleep. It's either that or you wash your hands. You know what they say, "Cleanliness is close to fatherlylovelyness". I just love the fact that nothing can be done within the game without kissing. You can't progress in the story line without laying it on someone and the game ends when you kiss the girl of your dreams. Well shit lady, who needs you? I've kissed everyone in town, plus a bunch of mole people and now you want me? Damn.

I do have problems with the game, though I tolerate most of them. The first being that your character can't run. He just walks everywhere like he doesn't have everyone to kiss. The only way to run is to kiss an Underground Resident named “The Hasty Wizard” who then gives you a fruit called the “Speedupple” that you eat and it gives you the ability to run. Which brings me to my next point; the game is really very unforgiving. The guide book that came with the game just tells you what to do. The game is so aware of the fact that you will have no idea what to do otherwise, they go ahead and hold your hand through the game. How am I supposed to know that in order to get the Zombie to kiss you, you need to first kiss the Voodoo Doll and then give Lavender and a wilted flower to a talking stone lion who runs a bath house? I didn't even make that up. Is that common knowledge?

Honestly though, play Chulip. My life feels a little richer from having played it. I learned that you need to give love to everyone you meet (the most famous groupies share this mentality as they give love equally to both rock stars and roadies alike) and in that way, every kiss will feel like the first... with fireworks and serene music while floating in space.

The part of me that is deeply saddened by games that lack an achievements system, has generated some achievements for use with Chulip. Whether or not they are possible is beyond me, but here they are none the less.






-Be accused of rape 5 times.


-Kiss the Lover's Tree.


-Kiss 10 children


-Drink your troubles away.


-Inanimate objects are laughing at and/or with you.


-Contract Oral herpes.


Continue?

Introducing Feral Concepts to the Domesticated Gameworld

As with my last post, this one will concern itself with issues, thoughts, and parallels raised by Roger Caillois’s Man, Play, Games. Early into the book Caillois outlines his classification of games. He places all games into four main categories: Agon (competition), Alea (chance), Mimicry (simulation), and Ilinx (vertigo).

The only objection I had to any of his assertions was with his description of alea, or games of chance. He posits that children are not interested in games of chance because of the way a child “approximates an animal” and does not yet have a fully developed perception of the abstract and inanimate powers of destiny and subsequently, the attraction of ceding one's fate to it. I would have to disagree with this notion. Although he doesn’t completely reject the possibility of a child’s participation with games of chance, he certainly downgrades it almost to the point of non-existence. I can remember in my childhood playing numerous games of chance.

My second grade class was given a stern lecture by our principal about the dangers and poisonous effects of gambling after a week of playing a loose, if not completely incorrect version of poker with candy cigarettes serving as betting chips. I guess Caillois would argue that such behavior would fall under the umbrella of mimicry, namely mimicking adults, but I think that is entirely debatable. I can also recall many a fond afternoon of playing Pooh sticks with a neighborhood guide who wore a belt of throwing knives and who seemed far too old and smoked far too many cigarettes to be an expert on such a juvenile game. Sitting atop a rusted jungle gym that rested above a forest stream, we proceeded to select sticks and drop them into different parts of the stream and see whose stick reached a predetermined finish line first. Agon does enter into Pooh sticks (which parts of the stream have the strongest current, the quality and streamlined composition of the stick, etc.), but it has a very minimal presence and not to someone who has never played or to the more carefree of kids. It was a pure fascination with chance, cause and effect, trial and error, and a general curiosity with seeing the behavior of natural forces that we were interested in. Aside from this aspect of the child and their limited relation to and involvement with alea, I think Caillois’s examination of core play styles is sound.

Despite this one particular inaccuracy, Caillois does a thorough and admirable job of detailing most dominant styles of play and the rules, either implicit or explicit, that come with them. However, in every game described, the player knows the rules before engaging with that game. Be it the correct procedure for stepping onto a merry-go-round and mounting a plastic horse or playing football, the tenets of the activity are known to the participant prior to playing.

One thing I don’t think Caillois mentioned was the phenomenon of a participant playing a game when they weren’t entirely sure of the rules. This isn’t it’s own division of game style since the rules are independent of this, but this blind approach to confronting a game is something I find interesting. In the case of Warioware, I felt that this method of supplying the player with limited information, or no information at all, with regard to the game’s rules was a detriment to the game. The difficulty of the game is making sense of the nonsensical, interpreting foreign, single-serving mechanics that you are being bombarded with. After some exposure to these games (or fool’s errands) as they repeat, you learn what is required of you to succeed. For a majority of Warioware’s games, it is simply the process of discovering just what in the hell you’re supposed to do and not the actions themselves that are challenging and fleetingly fun. Once this discovery is over, the game becomes stagnant.

On the other hand, a game like flOw practices this similar idea of limited user information, but does it in a way that adds another component to the game and adds a fruitful afterlife to the gameplay rather than a premature death. The act of discovering relationships between your single-cell self and other creatures, other organic life (of the nutritional, caloric variety), and other players in the cooperative mode (or in some cases, uncooperative) adds an element of investigation, careful observation, and player interpretation to the game. Sharing thoughts about the attributes and effects of certain digestible matter with other players is also very fascinating insofar as you see how others interpreted the mechanics. This dialogue exposes little aspects of how someone interprets an unknown quantity and adds their own meaning to it through speculation. Different people can perceive the same in-game item as an aid or a hindrance, both not entirely sure of what it does. Some people think a certain action, attack, or state had more of an influence over the space and AI than others. These differences offer little insights into how people think.

But over time, these assumptions begin to break down and the dynamics between the player, the other species, and the resources in the game become apparent. Unlike Warioware, the enjoyment of the game does not cease after this period of discovery because it does not chiefly consist of repeating tasks that only have one proper solution. This is where non-linearity enters in. Once the rules are known to the player, the game goes on to be a remarkable meditative journey, a microscopic fugue that explores relationships between pacifism and antagonism, the will-to-power and all forms of life, consumption and depletion of resources, nourishment and gluttony, primal instinct and rational thought, outward appearances and intimidation, allies and enemies, and so on. Not to mention that it's also the only game that I couldn't comfortably eat snack foods while playing. I became self-aware, stared contemplatively at the finger paintings of potato chip grease that covered my controller and thought about consumption while comparing my eating habits to those of my single-cell self. I think that is quite an accomplishment. To get back to the point, cooperation and competition are both equally supported in single and multiplayer.

This unconventional hybrid of play styles is not something Callois really touches on, but doesn’t rule out either. He does stress that agon games are largely competitive exhibitions to display one’s superiority over obstacles and others. This can be the attitude one would choose to adopt when playing flOw, but it is certainly not the only one. flOw is a rare species. In an industry permeated by classical, agon-centered games, flOw illustrates that we can marry together mechanics from unlikely genres in intelligent and invigorating ways.

I believe that once games start resembling our reality more and more, we’re going to see a dramatic rise in this approach to organic, implied game rules detailed above. Eventually designers won’t need to bother wasting their time and the player’s time on implementing tutorials and gameplay mandates, not to mention the inseparable disruption of player immersion and dramatic investment that follows these in-game irritations, because the rules of the game will already be intimately known to the player through life experience. Obviously this won’t apply to every game, but graphical fidelity, dynamic gameplay-monitoring systems, and improved AI will be instrumental in subtly conveying gameplay opportunities to players in even the more unrealistic of games. At least I hope this is the trend we will see. I suppose that if this paradigm shift is to occur, we first need courage on the part of more designers, publishers, and players to encourage this biotic exchange of experimental game design, to administer this much-needed transfusion of new blood into the pallid skin of mainstream games. Though courage is a rare commodity in the industry these days, games like flOw foster hope for this fascinating possibility. Continue?

Of Master Chief and Men

For a videogame production class I’m currently taking, I’ve been reading the book Man, Play, Games by Roger Caillois. The book was written in 1961, but it is still incredibly, if not disturbingly relevant to modern athletic games and videogames. It’s an anthropological look at the games of men and a categorical classification of them all, while also being a smaller study of some of the similarities between the games of men and animals that emerge within nature.

When Reading Callois’s opinions on the important role of social dynamics in games, certain modern multiplayer conventions bear a striking resemblance to those of antiquity, such as Eskimos being the cosplayers of yore. In Caillois’s description of mimicry games, he says, “ [The disguise] serves to change the wearer’s appearance and to inspire fear in others.” He also adds, “ Acts of mimicry tend to cross the border between childhood and adulthood. They cover to the same degree any distraction, mask, or travesty, in which one participates, and which stresses the very fact that the play is masked or otherwise disguised, and such consequences ensue.” This observation certainly holds foreboding echoes of what is now the most popular, present-day disguise that can be used to intimidate (or at least attempt to) and obscure the act of play to the point of either borderline or imagined legitimacy; the avatar and all of its anonymity.

Play does in fact “lack something when it is reduced to a mere solitary exercise." I know this all too well. Some of my darkest, loneliest, most forlorn moments have been while playing Mario Party with me, myself, and a platter of cream cheese and pepperoni sandwiches I made. As we crawl out of the doldrums of self-imposed digital purgatories, we venture out into the wide social world of online gaming. But as Caillois posits, the social agon (competitive) game is more of a rivalry-motivated, glory-reaping exhibition than a brotherly communion. I told myself that playing Halo 3 online would strengthen long-distance friendships and maybe forge new ones. The game fulfilled this desire to an extent, but the beast quickly took over.

Suddenly, you start to see your rank go up. Your melee elbow becomes battle-hardened. You see and hear the cruel face of interactive war; teenage kids accommodating every fresh corpse with a post-mortem teabagging and guys with ‘DJ’ somewhere in their gamertag rap battling their way to victory (forfeits where the degree of annoyance was too great for our team and resident rapper, Jeff, to endure). You see your service decorations get shinier, bigger, more ornate. You enter games and see guys in the pre-game lobby that have all sorts of crazy emblems. “ A silver phoenix? A golden spatula? I don’t know what the fuck rank that spatula represents, but I’ve never seen it before and I’ll probably never want to see it again after this match,” you tell yourself.

A little bit longer and you’re thirsting for victory and that fearsome, intimidating veneer, that golden spatula to call your own. It’s fun when you’re sober as well as blood-drunk, but karma quickly comes back to you for every white, nameless, cross-shaped data archive you helped erect in the vast graveyard known as the Bungie.net stat server. With the sour taste of defeat still in your mouth, you start playing as a ‘lone wolf’ because you think your team is bringing you down. Once that adrenaline-fueled war high starts to wane, post-traumatic stress takes hold. You come full circle, become reformed, start playing by yourself again and looking for meaning, purpose, and God in the serene fields of Hyrule. But every now and then that trigger finger becomes itchy, you start hearing things, the sound of your maiden whispering into your ear. “ Say my name,” she demands. “ PWNage,” you respond… “sweet, sweet PWNage.” Continue?